The Family Fun » naughty jokes

Professor Joke

Administrator — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 15:11:18 +0000

1. prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

2. Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.

3. Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

4. Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

5. Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

6. Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

8. Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

9. Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

10. Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

11. Prof. of Statistics: A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

12. Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

13. Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

14. Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term.

Computer Jokes

Administrator — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 15:09:55 +0000

1. If you messed up your life, you could press “Alt, Ctrl, Delete” and start all over!

2. To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!

3. If you needed a break from life, click on “suspend”.

4. Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.

5. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

6. To “add/remove” someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

7. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

8. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

9. When you lose your car keys, click on “find”.

10. “Help” with the chores is just a click away.

11. You’d use your diskette to recover from a crash.

12. We could click on “send” and the kids would go to bed immediately.

13. To feel like a new person, click on “refresh”.

14. Click on “close” to shut up the kids and spouse.

15. To undo a mistake, click on “back”.

16. Is your wardrobe getting old? Click “update”.

17. If you don’t like cleaning the litter box, click on “delete”.

Funny Facts

Administrator — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 15:08:33 +0000

. They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense

. It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women..and then he turns them into Wives !!!!

. Q: What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?

A: Magnets have a positive side!

. It’s funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE Vs ARRANGED. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

. A person who surrenders when he’s WRONG, is HONEST. A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE… A person who surrenders even if he’s RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!

Newtons Laws of Love

Administrator — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 04:00:17 +0000

Newtons 1st Law of Love:
LOVE CAN NEITHER BE CREATED NOR BE DESTROYED, IT CAN ONLY BE CHANGED FROM ONE GIRL FRIEND TO ANOTHER.
Newtons 2nd Law of Love:
A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, untill on unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy.
Newtons 3rd law of Love:
The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increament or decreament of thebank balance.
Newtons 4th Law of Love:
The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals.

What If Titanic sink Today?

Administrator — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 03:55:41 +0000

What If Titanic sinks Today?
Reaction from different countries:

U.S.A:
“A ship coming to Freedom was attacked by terrorists.
We will not sit quiet and we will teach them a lesson.
Bin Laden you can run but you cannot hide we will find
you and destroy your Al-Qaeda network.”

U.K:
“I have spoken to the President of United States and
we have both agreed that the sinking of Titanic is
significant prove that Saddam Hussein is clearly
behind this attack, Iraq is imposing a threat to the
world and this has to be dealt with.”

Iraq:
“LOL!!!”

Israel:
“These Hamas and other terrorist network is enough
evidence to say that sinking of Titanic is not an
accident but it was their suicide bombers who have
commited such a crime.We will now impose curfew on the
Palestinians, detain them, exile them, kill them,
starve them, destroy their homes and refugee camps.”

Canada:
“Titanic who?” (Canadian Prime Minister)

India:
“Is mein Pakistan ka haath hai. We have received
passports of Pakistani extremists from the Titanic
debris. Pakistanis will have to pay for such
horrendous act of terrorism. We are now deploying more
soldiers to the border.”

Pakistan:
“Sind may Double Sawari per ghair muayyana muddat ke
liye pabandi”

UN:
“Shit happens right??”

Survivors:
“Uhh. Helllooo. Is anyone listening…it was an iceberg. hellloooooo.”

A PLAN TO BANKRRUPT BILL GATES

Administrator — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 17:39:41 +0000

Bill Gates earns $250 every SECOND, that’s about $20 million a DAY and $7.8 billion a YEAR!

v If he drops a thousand dollars, he won’t even bother to pick it up because in the 4 seconds it takes to pick it up, he would have already earned it back.

v U.S’s national debt is about $5.62 trillion. If Bill Gates wants to pay he debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.

v He can donate $15 to everyone on earth and still be left with $5 million for his pocket money.

v Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in the U.S. If he doesn’t drink and eat, and keep his annual income at $30 million, he’ll have to wait for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates is today.

v If Bill Gates were a country, he will be the 37th richest country on earth.

v If you change all of Bill Gate’s money to $1 bills, you can make a road from earth to moon 14 times back and forth. But you will have to make that road non-stop for 1400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING 747 planes to transport all the money.

v Bill Gates will be 42 this year. If we assume that he still can live for another 35 years, he has to spend $6.78 million per day to finish his money before his death.

v BUT!!! If we the Microsoft Windows’ users claim $1 for every time their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will go bankrupt in 3 years.

So what do you think!!!

Police And 3 Sardars

Administrator — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 17:34:55 +0000

A policeman was testing 3 Singh brothers who were training to become
detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
first Singh a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first Singh answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh.. .that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for
5 seconds at the second Singh and asks him, “This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?”

The second Singh smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy
to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds,
“What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are
showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer
you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third Singh
and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?

He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The Singh
looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears
contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an
interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office,checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation? ”
“That’s easy,” the Singh replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he
only has one eye and one ear.”

Poor Cop

Administrator — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 05:58:16 +0000

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.
“Is there a problem Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what!?”
“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”
The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem sir?”
“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”
“Murdered the owner?”
The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”
The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.”
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”
The man replies, “I bet you, that the lying bas***d told you, I was speeding, too!”

The Husband Store

Administrator — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 05:55:27 +0000

A store that sells husbands has just opened in China, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. … You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels comelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 14,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Boss Died

Administrator — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 05:53:38 +0000

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss’s wife instead: “I’m afraid he died last week.” she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. “I told you” the wife replies, “he died last week.”
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
“I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?”
Cause . . .” he replied laughing, “I just love hearing it. . . .”